This here is the most ferocious hunter in all the land. Can’t you tell? Emilita Isabella María Santina Anna Pinta Guadalupe Dominga Rodríguez Sánchez Scroogè, known as “B” to her closest friends is quite possibly the best mouser in the neighborhood. You might not know it from the photo here, but she is very serious about her work. Just the other night, she was able to capture two prisoners in the span of 20 minutes. How does she do it you ask? She is a con artist. All of her closest friends are squirrels, birds, and chipmunks. What better way to coax a mouse out of hiding then saying, “hey you, I was on my way to play with that bird over there. Wanna join?” However she does it though, the fact of the matter is she knows how to catch a mouse. Let me tell you the tail…er tale of an unfortunate mouse who was destined to live a short life.
It was a typical evening at home when I heard the crash come from the kitchen. I quickly raced to find out what trouble my dearest Emilita had found tonight. This sound could range anywhere from chasing a ball into the wall to the wall being torn down. I emerged from my room to find what every proud pet parent longs to see, my little girl with a mouse dangling from her jaws. Tail in the air and strutting like on a cat walk, she came to me proudly with her catch. Knowing how disgusted of mice my mother was, I immediately instructed B not to drop the mouse until I could secure the underside of the door to my slumbering mother’s room. I rushed off for the supplies necessary to capture the prisoner as B very obediently kept hold of the mouse until I returned. When I told her to drop it I realized we were dealing with a child! I put a wastebasket over the mouse and sadly informed her that we could not kill this unfortunate soul since he was just a baby. She looked at me with a sad but understanding glance and stood guard at the prison gates.
My next move was to get the mouse securely into the wastebasket and outside. So I lifted the cell gates and put the can in the direction the mouse would run. There was one problem with this, I hadn’t instructed the guard to stand down. Seeing that this cat and mouse game would come to an end pretty quickly, I slammed the trash can back down to cover the mouse, but I miscalculated. Out one side stuck the head of a very terrified rodent and on the inside I presumed there was the recently paralyzed body of said rodent. My heart sank, other than the occasional insect and stubborn arachnid, I had never killed another living creature. I acted quickly and scooped him up with my hands and placed him in the can. I knew his fate had been decided and the best I could do was lay him to rest. By the time we reached the grave site, he was a goner. I was so deeply saddened by what had happened and the next morning told my mother of the events, “Mama, just killed a mouse.” I waited for my bohemian punishment and her response was, “I am so proud of you.”
Bitch told me not to kill the mouse and then she did!
Have you ever stood in the card aisle for hours trying to find that perfect thing to say to someone? I gave up on conventional cards a long time ago because they are never able to capture what I truly mean. You have your love cards, which if you have ever been in love, you know it’s not all “roses are red,” but more “blood is red.” You have your sympathy cards, which could never convey what you truly feel for somebody’s loss or they convey way more sympathy than you actually feel (just because you are nice doesn’t mean you really care). More important than what these cards lack though, is what cards that aisle is actually lacking. There are just certain occasions that might be made easier with a card. Here are some ideas I have. Hallmark, feel free to use any of these, I only charge $100 per character.
It’s not you, it’s me…
Actually, it is you. See you around.
My girlfriend is the hottest, funniest, and smartest person I know.
That’s why I am leaving you for her. It was fun while it lasted, cheers!
You know how when a cat brings you a dead mouse he is showing that he really loves you?
Well, I brought you herpes! Can you feel the love?
Dear Dad,To the man who taught me all about basketball and baseball…
I’m gay. How did you know I liked balls?
Dad,You always said the day you gave your daughter away would be the saddest day of your life.
Well now it can be happy because you get to gain a daughter that day too!
We recently received a book called “The Good Fortune Cookie.” I decided to be lazy today and use someone else’s creativity to entertain you. Here are some great fortunes that the book generated (with a little help from me):
“Share your blessings and a ghostly sparrow will pose a threat to your sanity.”
“Share your knowledge and a dangerous adversary will reveal a secret treasure.”
“While on vacation a face from your past will return what was lost.”
“Play a game of chance and the teachings of the ancients will make a dream become reality.”
“After a minor victory a hot cup of tea will whisper secrets in your ear.”
Pick one of these and I will write a short story around it for next Friday!
I work in a bookstore and over the years, we have had many bestsellers fly off our shelves. I thought it might be a good idea to take some of those big sellers and combine them to find the newest craze!
To Kill a Mockingjay: A young southern girl struggles with mighty dilemmas during the great depression as a fight to the death competition decides the fate of the South.
The Girl in the Boat: A struggling alcoholic witnesses a murder during the 1936 Olympics in Berlin…she thinks.
50 Shades of Thrones: With a decade-long summer dredging on, a noble family decides to make things hotter with the practice of S & M…and then they die.
The Twilight Code: A group of sparkly vampires searches for the Holy Grail through a series of cryptic messages only to find out it is right where they put it 900 years ago.
Tuesdays with the Kite Runner: A successful novelist spends Tuesdays in a war-torn country with a former professor to learn about life, love, values, and how to ease the guilt of stabbing your best friend in the back.
Life of Harry: A young wizard gets stuck on a boat with a tiger but uses a transfiguration spell to turn him into an oar.