How to Be an Adult (Or at Least Appear to Be One)

I had a lovely lady request some tips on how to be an adult. I don’t claim to be an expert on this, but let’s see what happens!

Work: Never call out of work when you are sick. You must show that you are a trooper and are so committed to work that nothing can stop you. Also, why waste a sick day on being sick? Always call out when your favorite band is in town, the sun is shining, or you win the lottery.

Sleep: They say 7 hours is best! As a young adult this idea is shunned, but we know as an adult this idea should be embraced. But, let’s not give up our late nights just yet. Sunglasses. The darker the better. Simply explain to everyone that you just had your eyes dilated (taking care of your eyes is the adult thing to do) and that you must leave them on and then settle into your desk for a few winks. Let’s hope you don’t snore.

Play: As adults, some level of composure is highly necessary. It just is not acceptable to be as wild and crazy as a youngster. Here are the best ways I know to sneak back in to the world of play. Have kids or borrow your friends’ kids. Maybe it seems crazy to go to the playground by yourself and yes in this day and age a little weird, but as long as you have got a little one along you can go down the slide too! Or, get younger friends and just tell everyone they are your younger siblings which is why you hang out so much at the club. “Just looking out for my little sis!”

Responsibility: Tired of it? Dye your hair blond. Any time you fail to accomplish a task, forget to do something, or just can’t bring yourself to do it you now have an excuse. Play dumb. No one can hold you accountable for being stupid.

The most important thing to remember is that being an adult is like being in love. The perks always seem brighter until you get there.

How to Be an Adult (Or at Least Appear to Be One)

Broadway Mash-Up

Wicked Misérables: After being imprisoned for being green, a young woman is released into Revolutionary Oz and starts a new life for herself by protecting her crippled sister. All goes well until her sister tries to defy gravity and gets trapped under a barricade by angry men.

Phantom of Avenue Q: A coming of age story about a young man living backstage at the opera house who gets swept up in a love triangle and through the use of puppets he realizes there is a fine fine line between a lover and a stalker as he goes past the point of no return.

The Chicago King: Set in the Savannah during prohibition era, a young lion cub learns the circle of life and all that jazz as he realizes how corrupt society and his pride really are.

Fiddler on the Mamma!: A young girl in Anatevka must find out who her father is before her arranged marriage due to the fact that her mother was known not only as the town dancing queen, but also the town slut. Hey every town needs one, it’s tradition!

La Cage aux Hairspray: A drag queen and his partner audition to be on the coolest dancing show on t.v. and become instant hits with their slogan, “We are Who We Are.” Meanwhile, the mother of their competition, a highly conservative bigot tries to squash all hopes of them winning by giving all of Baltimore crabs.

Broadway Mash-Up

The Customer is Always Right, Right?

This is my shout out to anyone who has worked a single day in retail. We learn from the start, that the customer is always right, even when you want to punch them in the face. So for those of us who can maintain a job in retail by holding back this urge, here is a list of scenarios and how we would like to respond rather than how we should respond.

 

1. A customer is complaining about the store’s return policy which is clearly stated on the receipt and the wall behind the registers. He claims that only accepting returns for store credit is the most absurd thing he has ever heard of and he is surprised that our store is still in business after 21 years with a policy like that. He then looks around and upon seeing that no one is in the store says, “this is why you don’t have any customers!”

In my mind I reply, “Actually, Sir, we don’t have any customers at the moment because they realized there was an asshole in the store and they all left.”

 

2. This is a paraphrasing of an actual conversation over the phone:

Customer: I am looking for a book.

Me: Okay, what book are you looking for?

C: Well first, would you be able to deliver the book to the hospital? I am here for a little while, but they have me in a nice room on the second floor.

M: I think we could probably arrange something for you. What are you looking for?

C: Well it is a book on stone walls in New Hampshire. It is called, oh hang on, the bear is back.

M: There is a bear there?

C: Yeah, he keeps coming around outside my window.

M: And you are on the second floor?

C: Yeah, but he just stays a while, I will have to call you back.

What I would like to say, “Okay, but we barely got started here. Also, did you say you were in the psych ward?”

 

3. A new customer but more paraphrasing and may a little editing to keep it pg-13:

C: I ordered a magazine from you online and when I received it, it was a book and it wasn’t the right thing.

M: I think you have reached the wrong business, we don’t sell online and we also don’t sell magazines.

C: No, you are *****. I ordered online through Amazon and it was your business name.

M: Well sorry, but we don’t sell online and certainly not through Amazon even if we did. I can’t help you.

C: No, you sent me the wrong thing and you need to fix this. You are a bookstore in Lee! I got your information from your website, I know it is you.

M: Actually, we are not in Lee which you would see if you were on our website. I can’t help you, you need to call Amazon or whomever you ordered from.

C: ******I ordered from you *****. You owe me what I ordered or send me my money back.

M: I am sorry, but you have the wrong place. (I hang up)

The customer proceeds to call back several times which I kindly let go to voicemail rather than hear more berating. But… if I answered the phone I would have done it like this: “City Morgue, you stab ’em, we slab ’em” or perhaps, “Department of Immigration, your report ’em, we deport ’em” or maybe I should have done, “Thank you for calling Amazon customer support, we don’t care!”

4. Often times reviews or advertisements for books come out before the book is published. I can’t tell you how many times a customer has come in the store looking for a title that is not yet on sale. Most customers understand when we tell them that we don’t have the book and it won’t be out for another month and then you have the customer that knows all. She argues no I saw the book last week. Someone else was selling it. I don’t understand why you can’t get it in. I guess I will just order it online. All one can do in this situation is admit defeat and know that no matter if she orders it online, she still won’t have it until the book is actually published.

Or say, “I am sorry, but our time machine is broken this week and we actually couldn’t pick up our shipment of books from the future. Thanks for checking with us though. Once it gets fixed we will go back and get that autographed copy of the Bible for you.”

The Customer is Always Right, Right?

But What Does it Mean?

When I tell people I was an English major, their first response is, “oh, so you want to teach?” When I reply in the negative, the next response is a look of bewilderment and a slow head nod leading to a tentative, “so what do you want to do with that?” The truth is, I never even wanted to go to college and I have no desire to limit my potential opportunities to one thing that I studied for four years. In my opinion, the only thing that English can teach you is how to think for yourself. You can master a language and use words as your tools, your weapons, your shield. You can go back in time, jump into the future, and hide within your own time period. To me, other than with the use of grammar, there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to the English language and the art that stems from that. The thing I dislike most about English classes is that often times, teachers try to tell you that there is a right or a wrong answer. Well two people can read the same line of text and have two completely different ideas on what that means. As someone who has shared her work with others, yeah I can tell you what I meant when I wrote it, but I don’t care if you love it, hate it, or take something completely different from it, as long as you experience something. For anyone out there though who needs the safety net of right and wrong, I will dissect this poem for you so as there is no confusion.

1.Nature and all her beauty,

2.got nothin’ on your booty;

3.golden and perfectly rounded,

4.I find myself constantly astounded.

5.Lost at sea, or lost in my mind,

6.you are my north star, my compass,

7.lighting my way, leading the blind,

8.who wouldn’t come home to that ass.

Line 1: So here I discuss the beauty of nature, it’s great, it’s grand, nothing can compare…or can it?

Line 2: So here it is something  that can compare to nature’s beauty. Booty, you know, pirate’s treasure, stop having such a dirty mind!

Line 3: gold coins, they are golden, they are round, they look good in tight pants.

Line 4: Wow!!

Line 5: I really don’t like water so I think if I were ever on the sea I would be lost for sure. Also, it goes back to the whole pirate thing and hey most pirates are lost in the mind if you know what I mean.

Line 6: What drives them on? More booty!!!! ARRR and they use compasses.

Line 7: Gold is shiny, although I did use some poetic license there, not sure the blind can see gold, but maybe the morally blind can, yeah, that’s what I meant.

Line 8: There’s a donkey at home. Okay, maybe it was a poem about a nice ass.

© Autumn Siders 2015

But What Does it Mean?

#tbt

One night while passing a laundry mat, my friends and I spotted a girl sitting in the dryer. This poem is the result of that.

To the girl who sat in the dryer March 10, 2014

 

We spotted you through the window that night,

A gentle spin we took to look twice.

Questions tumbled through our minds,

“Is she drying her pants? They look nice.”

 

You sat with your phone and pondered the screen.

Perhaps she needs to vent, or she didn’t see the seat.

This could be a delicate situation, we think,

At least it’s the bottom; sitting in the top would be a feat.

 

If we asked her the problem, would she come clean?

Could we provide any help she might require?

Or maybe she just found the warmest seat in the place?

Here’s to proving normal is just a setting on the dryer!

 

© K2Au 2014

#tbt

Reasons Why I Am Gay…’Cause It’s a Choice

Since we all know that being gay is a choice, I figured I would give some reasons and explanations for anyone thinking about choosing that lifestyle. See if it’s right for you!

-I never knew my father, so I was most likely raised to hate men.

-I was encouraged to choose my own religion as a child but opted out, what better way to stick it to the Man then by practicing homosexuality.

-One time, my bill at the grocery store came out to $6.66 and I thought, “this must be a sign from Lucifer, I must choose the dark path.”

-Men’s clothing is so much more comfortable and we all know once you dress like the opposite sex there is really no option to be straight.

-If it’s between basketball and barbies…well of course basketball wins.

-Well all my friends are gay, I just wanted to fit in!

-I decided that since I am a woman and don’t deserve equal rights, why not go all the way and take away whatever rights I had left.

-I did sneeze one time and no one said “bless you,” I guess the evil spirits entered my soul then.

-I was so worried about over population that I thought best to choose the path that not breed new life, but then I found out about a turkey baster and realized that was a moot point.

-I kissed a girl…I did like it, but not so much the cherry chapstick.

-Let’s just say, there comes a time when you have to choose to have a life with orgasms or a life faking them.

-The final deciding factor, I like rainbows. Rainbow

Reasons Why I Am Gay…’Cause It’s a Choice