25 is the New 80

It seems like only yesterday I was 80 pounds soaking wet, I could drink 12 cans of soda, a bag of cookies, and 3 glasses of milk without feeling sick. I could run, swim, and play sports without any lasting damage to my muscles. Okay, so it may have been a little longer ago than yesterday, but it sure seemed as though I could do anything. Sure, my elders warned me there would come a day when my metabolism would slow and my energy would wane, but I thought that day was at least 60 years in the future. Now I am nowhere near being in the grave yet, but some days I certainly feel closer to 80 than I do to 25. So for all those out there younger than I, here is your warning and a helpful guide to help track your decline.

18: You should probably stop eating those dozen doughnuts. Yeah, don’t even think about drinking that soda. You’re still hungry? Eat an apple! If you don’t follow this advice, you could weigh 200lbs by the time you turn 19! Just remember, everything in moderation. Help kill the rumor of the Freshman 15!

19: Such a boring year. You think you are doing fine. You still feel pretty decent. The moderation tip helped and guess what, you maybe even decided to exercise a little to help with those few pesky pounds. You are out on a jog when it happens! You stretched, you did everything by the book, but you are still going to be limping home. Maybe you didn’t drink enough water? Come up with any excuse you can, but no matter what you do your hamstring is still pulled. Face it, you aren’t a kid anymore!

20: You are working that retail job to put yourself through college. You deal with those difficult customers with a smile on your face and you even look great with those pretty shoes! You’re on your feet all day though and by the time you get home your ankles are swollen, your knees hurt, and you still want to punch that one jerk of a customer in the face. You have to make a choice, wear the pretty shoes or find those ugly ones that will save your pretty legs from looking ugly? It is a tough decision, make the right one.

21: You can drink!!!!! Don’t you know how many calories are in alcohol? And, you are 21 you really don’t need anything else to cloud your already impaired judgment.

22: T. Swift said it all.

23: Blink 182 said it all.

24: You are considered an adult at this point no matter what you do. This means you need your sleep. No more nights of partying, turn off all your distractions and get into bed! 7 hours at the very least! The only problem with this is that your 12 hour a day job requires 10 more hours of work when you get home. I really hope you weren’t thinking about kids and forget a boyfriend or girlfriend! When all else fails, just sleep.

25: You can rent a car without those terrible fees, which is good because it’s cheaper than the ambulance. Now I am almost all the way through this year, so I can’t give you the ending, but this is how it goes so far. Any hereditary problem that any member of your family has ever had will find you! You may even add to the family tree with some new diagnosis. It may not be serious and it may get lost on the way to you, but this is probably the point where those pesky doctors will start checking to make sure that you aren’t developing symptoms yet. Up until now, your insurance premium has been a waste, but why not make up for lost time? Any form of exercise will leave you sore. You should probably be thinking about cemetery plots and wills. Meet with your lawyer immediately.

I hope this advice helps, but the important thing to remember is eat well and keep active. You can be fat, you can be skinny, you can be young, you can be old, but what matters is to keep going and above all else be happy.

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