Chloë and Kristina

Falling in love is the easy part,

and you seem to have done that well.

Staying in love is what’s tough on the heart,

But when two hearts beat as one you can walk through hell.

Always remember the look in her eyes

the first time you knew you were complete.

Always remember to compromise

because love is a two way street.

Never forget why your heart can’t beat without hers.

Never forget her smile and how she lights your life.

Never forget why you call her yours.

Never forget how lucky you are to call her your wife.

© Autumn Siders 2015

Marriage Mash-Up

In honor of the upcoming nuptials (tomorrow!!!!) of my two good friends, I figured what better way to celebrate marriage than give a few examples of couples that may not work, but would be quite funny if they were married. That’s kind of how I feel about my friends…;)

Donald Trump and Selena Quintanilla: Together these two would have been a business powerhouse. Selena surely has some great ideas of her own, like mixing friendship and business and Trump has such a great working relationship with Latinos now. This is a marriage bound to succeed! The best thing is Selena might still be alive because Trump would most likely have deported her friend before she ever had the chance to rip her off and kill her.

Rush Limbaugh and Rachel Maddow: Two great people who bring us the news every day. They say opposites attract and with this couple we might actually get both sides of the story. But let’s face it, we all know who has the morals in this relationship 4 marriages are better than 1, right?

Edgar Allan Poe and Charlie Sheen: This is a marriage that would last based on the sole love of alcohol. Everyone needs a drinking buddy and who better than your soul mate? The best thing about these two is where they differ. While they both keep late hours, one thinks he hears a raven and the other thinks he is a raven.

Jerry Bruckheimer and Carrie Underwood: He was just a city boy, born and raised in north Detroit and she just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world who took the midnight train right to American Idol. Hey, if these two could fall in love, then we can’t stop believin’.

 

 

#tbt

This was from back in my days as a rapper. Enjoy a little history lesson!

 

Everybody in the 434 throw your hands in the air

Cause we gonna win that war

Yo, Yo Yo

We be comin’ from the south you know

Where all of the tobacco grow

We the rich colonies cant ya hear

We can smell all them north guy’s fear

With the mountains to the west

And the ocean to the east

We’ll be rapping up the coast

And eating a big feast

But now let me tell you just how it began,

No wait lets hear it from this man

“Yo, my name is James Oglethorpe

And I’m rapping to you now

I founded Georgia and I’m gonna tell you how

Well it started in 1733

An English general I be

Georgia was for the poor

Yeah to open a new door

But not only for that

But to get us up to bat

We kept the Spanish out

We won without a doubt

Since I was strict

The colonists got ticked

But some had to stay

And grow rice all day

But oh well

I was rich”

Now lets hear it from the big NC (North Carolina that is)

“Well you see, it started in 1650

Eight englishmen talk to Charles number two

And he said here’s a grant from me to you

So they set up shop and started farming

But without women it didn’t matter if they were charming

So they were poor and needed some money

So let me tell you how, its really quite funny

It was really a sticky situation sellin’ tar and pitch

Man let me tell you it really was a b… big deal”

So now lets go up north

“I hope you don’t think I’m too forth-

Coming, but I gotta tell ya bout the virgin queen

She really wasn’t that mean

In 1607 we named Virginia after her

But things couldn’t be as they were

We changed our crops cause of the climate

We got rich off tobacco but nothing rhymes with climate

We started usin’ slaves to do our work

But trouble in the future it did lurk.”

You heard of the west being won

Well that’s how the south was lost

Between Indians and no food

We couldn’t afford the cost

We ran into trouble

But no one was there on the double

I guess the mountains were too high

And the rivers too wide

But somehow we made it

And we still here today

And we got nothing else to say.

© Autumn Siders 2006

Luto

Every young man on the street corner,

Every punk kid walking down the street,

Every glowing cigarette smoking up the night,

Every drifter carrying a bag in tow,

I see you.

Everyday I wonder

how our paths drifted so far apart.

Everyday I wonder

why I still keep you in my heart.

Everyday I wonder

what happened to make you so lonely.

Everyday I wonder

why you think the world revolves solely

around you.

Everything reminds me.

Everything begs me to forget.

Everything was what you were to me.

Everything is what you will always be

to yourself.

© Autumn Siders

The Biological Warfare of My Everyday Life

I think most people no longer believe that all ailments are caused by some invisible force of miasmas, but with all the research and fact that science has produced, it still surprises me how many people blatantly ignore germs! Now I may have inherited a little bit of O.C.D from my mom, but I still think it is pretty rational to be wary of germs and all the infection they cause. It disgusts me though that people seem to be perfectly fine with eating off the floor, or consuming expired foods, or even eating without washing their hands. Never fear though, I am here to enlighten those who do not fear the germs as they should. Here are a few scenarios that might get you thinking twice about that “five second rule.”

So you drop your delicious chocolate chip cookie that just cost you $3, no way you are letting that go to waste! So you pick it up, give it a little shake and consume it as if nothing ever happened. Little do you know that in that same spot only half an hour ago, Ralph walked through with the shoes that he happened to be wearing when he stepped in dog poop that he managed to scrape off (mostly) with the stick that the same dog had in it’s mouth an hour ago. Yum, now it is a double chocolate chip cookie.

So you don’t think it’s necessary to wash your hands before putting in your contacts or even just rubbing your eyes or eating. You know where your hands have been and you feel pretty confident that they are clean enough. Well remember when you shook that client’s hand today? He was so nervous about meeting with that he had an upset stomach. So then of course he had to go to the bathroom. Is he one of the few men that wash their hands after? For your sake, let’s hope so.

Expiration dates are just a suggestion, right? Some items they are more of a guideline but let’s think about this. Back in the days before refrigeration in say the Revolutionary War, food was often tampered with so that the soldiers would either get sick or starve. Meat just happened to arrive without being salted. Rice and flour came with a free side of bugs (although that may have been a natural result). It’s your call in the end, but do you really want to mess with something that is a war tactic?

If you have survived this long, you probably haven’t picked up the plague or Ebola yet, so maybe my rant is all for naught. After all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Even if you eat off the floor or drink chunky milk, at least wash your hands otherwise I won’t be shaking them.

Technology, can’t live with it, can’t live…well with it.

I write to you now on a piece of technology that did not exist just a short time ago. Yes, there have been computers my whole life, the internet has existed, and for the most part I was raised in the personal computer aged society, but this computer I am using is only the second I have owned in my life and the first I bought when I was 17. It still seems crazy how far technology has come though in the last two decades and I am sure that folks older than I can say the same of the last five decades. All the questions have arisen, “does technology make us lazy?” “Does it make us dumb?” “Does it make us vulnerable?” “Does it make me look fat?” Okay, so maybe not that last one, but it does cause a lot of discussion about our society and where it is headed.

Don’t call me a hypocrite, but I have always been an anti-technology kind of person. I am fascinated not by what a computer can do, but by what a person can do. Obviously a person invented the computer, I think Charles Babbage takes responsibility for the first programmable computer, but the computer itself is not what amazes me. What amazes me is that people can do some pretty cool things with or without the help of technology. Now I am not hoping for this to happen, but all great things must come to an end as we learned from the Romans and their high tech aqueducts. So, in case the world wide web crashes tomorrow, in case all computers become infected with a virus that decimates the digital world, in case Skynet sends nukes to start a war, here are some really great solutions to the average computer user for filling the void in your life.

No more Microsoft Word? Have you ever heard of a typewriter? It’s like a computer without the screen. This complicated device lacks auto-correct, but forces you to know how to spell on your own. If this is too much for you, there is always pen and paper or perhaps chisel and tablet.

No more YouTube? Do you miss your cat videos? The simple solution for this is to go to your local animal shelter and observe. WARNING: you may go home with too many cats, but you will once again have cat “videos” in the comfort of your own home.

No more games? I hear back in the day that people actually played solitaire with real playing cards! But I guess it is really hard to compete with slicing fruit and Angry Birds.

No texting or email? Maybe you could actually talk to people. Like with full words. To their face. The best thing is you won’t have a phone to distract you so you could have a real conversation. About your cat videos.

No more Facebook? Well come on, how many people on your friend list have you actually talked to in the last year? Maybe instead of checking in to every place you visit, you could now try checking in to your life?

Technology does have it’s benefits, after all it is how you can be reading my extremely hilarious and helpful blog right now. Technology also has it’s downfalls. Don’t let it rule your life, but rather let it be a tool you can use while living your life. Always read my blog though.

 

The Fireworks Are for You

One score and four years ago,

the earth welcomed your soul.

While I did not know you then,

I know you now as my friend.

So for the few years I may have missed,

Happy belated, best wishes, you get the gist.

But what I really mean to say,

Although this may be your day,

The celebrations mark not another year gone by,

but another year you’ve been in my life.

© Autumn Siders 2015

Blockbuster Mash-Up Round 2

Some Like it Hot Fuzz: When a couple of male musicians join an all female police department in the countryside to escape the Chicago mob, all hell breaks loose when they do a better job than the other constables and uncover a secret society that protects their town at all costs.

The Rocky Horror Pitch Perfect Show: When an all female a cappella group from college gets stranded in a storm, they go to a creepy mansion to use the phone and find it inhabited by sweet transvestites from Transylvania. It turns out to be a lot like college.

Pretty Pocus: A hooker hides out with a millionaire who needs a date in order to escape the wrath of ancient witches brought back after she lit a candle. After a week she realizes that not kissing on the mouth does not make her a virgin and therefore the witches were never brought back.

Grosse Pointe Break: When an assassin returns home for his high school reunion and a job, he rekindles the romance he shared with his high school sweetheart and infiltrates a group of surfers who are robbing banks. All goes well until he stabs one of the surfers in the eye with a pen.

Six Days Seven Nights of the Living Dead: When a drunk pilot taking a woman back to the mainland crashes his plane on an island, the two must survive the wilderness, zombies, and each other. After being fed up with the woman’s incessant complaints, the pilot leaves her for the zombies and finds his own way off the island.

The Fault in the Stars

There comes a time once and while in life where we all wish someone could give us the answer. Who you love, what career you choose, and what to have for dinner are some important issues that would work out a little better with some guidance from behind the scenes. Whether you are religious, spiritual, or just plain rational, it is nice to believe that you are on some kind of chosen path and not just ambling through hoping for the best. When I hit these bumps in the road I find myself turning to signs, horoscopes, and Magic 8 Balls maybe more for laughter than guidance. Now, I am not saying that there is no truth to these astrological forecasts, but there is one small problem. The human problem.

We tend to project what we want, feel, and think onto what we read or hear. I have prepared a little example for you. Here are the horoscopes from horoscope.com. I chose this site because it comes up first when you Google search “horoscope” so they may not be done by the most reliable astrologers, but I think they can still prove a point. Now these are in no particular order and I won’t tell you which one belongs to which sign. See how many you can relate to today.

-Be a pioneer in your world today, *. Go on an adventure with a courageous spirit. Your emotions are fired up and ready to go. Your instincts are ready for a new challenge. If anything slows you down today, it will be your rational thinking. Your self-protection mechanism may kick in just when things start to get exciting. Strike the right balance.

-Other people may be stroking your fur in the wrong direction, *. There’s a great deal of fiery energy in the air today that’s promoting a “me first” attitude. It may come in direct conflict with your peaceful, diplomatic nature. Also, people may be a bit more sensitive than usual. It will be harder to stomach the slights or insults that result. You have your work cut out for you.

-One of the themes today is giving versus receiving. You may be asked to handle many tasks at once, something you’re naturally quite good at, *. There’s a strong need to take action and get things done, while you may also feel a strong inward pull asking you to settle down and reflect. Both are valid emotions, and both should be honored as you go through your day.

-You’re feeling rather sensitive today, *. You may want to rescue every injured animal from the side of the road. Combine this nurturing, loving instinct with a warrior drive that will take charge and lead the fight. This powerful energy duo is very action oriented. Send your loving, internal instincts out into the world to do good.

-Your brain may be on one side of the fence today while your emotions are on the other, *. The challenge will be to find a working resolution between them. Your mind is moving toward a more sensitive and receptive approach, while your heart is in more of an attack mode. Unfortunately, these two energies don’t normally work well together. Your job is to find a healthy balance.

-Latch on to what your mind has to say today, *. More than likely, your rational brain knows the right way to go. Your mood may dictate the action, but let your brain handle the steering. Don’t get overly worked up over nothing. Tempers may rise in heated debates over what is and isn’t fair. Be part of the solution, not the problem.

-People and situations egg you on today, *. It may seem like there’s contention around every corner. Remember that your path is the one that you chose. You may or may not have anticipated the barriers, but they’re unavoidable. The key to success is to strike the right balance between inner and outer activities. Don’t direct all your frustration at others. Don’t hold it all in, either.

-You’re feeling frisky today, *, and you’re happy to take the lead. It seems like the starting gate has just opened and you’re leading the charge. The one thing that could put a damper on the race is your rational mind reminding you that it’s also important to stop. Look around and reflect on what’s going on around you. Incorporate both energies into your day.

-Your mind is surprisingly clear today, *, and your thinking fits in line with what your ego has set out to accomplish. The key for you is to let your emotions speak. Take charge and let yourself go after what you want. While you’ve spent the last couple days in contemplation, the next few days should be more action oriented.

-There’s a greater burst of energy coming your way today than there has been in a while, *. It’s as if you’re making a new start and now is your chance to begin with a fresh new attitude. Realize that a sensitive nature is what will help you be victorious on this day. Keep your mind focused inward while you pursue outwardly directed activities.

-Your mood is likely quite good, *, and you have an added boost of self-confidence that will help you along in just about any project you undertake. While the last couple days may have felt slow and a bit stagnant, today you’re ready to take action. Someone has just lit the pilot light and now you’re ready to fire up again.

-You’re in line with your warrior instincts today, *, which reminds you to align with your dreams. The tricky part is how you’re going to plan your attack so that there’s an equal balance of give and take. Today’s prevailing energies may catch you in a difficult situation. Sometimes an outwardly directed, argumentative approach is the only way to push through the roadblock.

While it can be good to have faith or spiritualism or a Magic 8 Ball, ultimately the only guidance we should trust is what comes from within. A person is too complex to have one path set by the stars; instead, we should be realizing we have many paths that lead to the stars.