Make Fetch Happen

Times they are a-changin’ and with that change, our speech could use a little upgrading. Here are some popular phrases that I would like to see replaced with some more current terminology, or at least made a little funnier.

“You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.” → “You look as if you’ve seen a Kardashian without makeup.” So…scared…right…now.

“When it rains, it pours.” → “When you drop your tampon in the toilet, it’s always the last one.” Ladies, am I right? Gents, you can replace this with condom if you need to understand the pain felt by this loss.

“Like stealing candy from a baby.” → “Like taking an iPad from a baby.” I never understood this one anyway, that seems pretty hard.

“Colder than a witch’s tit.” → “Colder than Tituba’s tit.” Okay so this one may not be all that new to the times, but it would at least be fun to say.

“Take the high road.” → “Don’t be Anakin.” Just thought I would throw that one into the mix in honor of the new, hopefully better, Star Wars.

Bestseller Mash-Up Round 6: Political Edition

Hard Witches: An influential presidential candidate shares her perspective of her time as US Secretary of State and infuses it with the rich and terrible history of how witches used personal email servers when communing with the Devil.

Crippled Pacific: A wealthy businessman and contender in the race for president explains how not only is America crippled, but also the waters to her west. Exploring the watery history from the 1950’s forward, he proposes a way to rebuild the nation and the waters by building skyscrapers in the ocean.

Yes, A More Perfect Union, Please: A neurosurgeon turned politician explains the constitution while complaining how boring it is to write. Imagine how boring it must have been for the founding fathers…

The Essential Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up: A Vision for America: A senator from Vermont discusses his plan for tidying up America if he gets into the Oval Office. It includes a lot of feng shui.

The Mindfulness Immigration Wars Coloring Book: A former governor of Florida shares his ideas on immigration. The book comes complete with pictures to color as a way to de-stress from whatever infuriating statement of his that you have just read.

How to Be Arrested for Murder

I feel like I am overly qualified in this matter after my extensive research of days spent watching crime dramas. No matter what the show is, there seem to be a few sure fire ways to end up on a list of suspects. So whether you want to avoid being on that list, or really want a tour of the police station, use these tips at your own discretion.

-Have a really loud argument with the victim. Don’t know who the victim will be? Just argue with everyone! No matter how big or how small the issue, make it loud and make it noticed and you will be sure to be the very first person they call into the interrogation room.

-Smoke ’em if you got ’em! Smoke in every dark place and low-traffic area. Outside the bar in the alley, in that secret corner of the park, right under the window of the girl you stalk. Make sure you leave your DNA in clear view for those detectives. If you feel strongly against smoking, then at least spit out your gum.

-Location, location, location. Live in the rough part of town. There are plenty of respectable people living in these areas and you could be one of them. But, if you really want to be brought in on any charges you need to live in the most dangerous part of town.

-Have a dirty secret. You need to have one thing that you wouldn’t want to share with anybody so that you can’t tell your true alibi at first. Maybe you are having an affair, maybe you have a secret club that is a mix of Dungeons & Dragons and 50 Shades of Grey. Either way, make it very embarrassing.

-Finally, if you need to pull out the big guns, make sure your vehicle is stolen. Whatever you do though, do not report it. Also make sure that it happens right before the crime is committed. It doesn’t help if it happens after!

Good luck to you!