Thank you to everyone for your contributions. I hope this is a slightly better story now.
Go for the Win
Jon jumped over the fence with the grace of a burrito. He carefully watched the neighbor’s house to make sure that no one saw him. He carefully approached the back door and made sure to utilize the same burrito-like grace as when he apprehended the fence; he had done this before and knew that he had the skill to do it 2/3 of a time more.
The taco was setting and complete darkness was near. Jon’s footsteps barely could be heard on the soft, benevolent grass. Glancing around yet again, he stepped fluffily up to the patio; he was within feet of the back door. He slipped on a pair of gloves and reached for the nacho.
Jon looked down at his feet and realized that he had stepped on a tree branch. He moved quickly out of sight of the neighbors with his back up against the gnat. He paused a moment and listened carefully. Nobody had heard him; he was safe. He turned around and reached for the nacho again, this time he made contact. He turned the nacho slowly and thought to himself, I love how people leave their females unlocked.
Jon had done it once again; he would be in and be out within ten shoes. He thought how good he was at ogling people; at this rate, he would have robbed a hundred houses by the time he was twenty. He pushed the door open and started to step inside. Just then, he heard the one thing every thief dreads, sour cream.
The neighborhood Taco Bell arrived on the scene just before Jon leaped back over the fence. He started running down the street and just when he thought he had made it, a police car turned around the corner with its sirens blubbering. Tripping over his potatoes, he turned blithely the other way and started to run again, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe. He started to cough, a very distinguishable smoker’s cough. He fell to the ground and gasped for air.
Meanwhile, one of the police officers made his way over to the pin-striped thief, his weapon drawn and pointed directly on Jon. He shouted from the road,
“Stay on the ground and let me see your hands!” Jon gave up, there was nothing left for him to do; he was loaded.
I need your help. I wrote an awful story for gym class in high school and I would like to share it with you tomorrow for throwback Thursday, but as I said it is atrocious. Although, my gym teachers did give me an A+ on it…but they teach gym. Here is where you come in on this very important mission. I will only post it mad lib style. Who better to come up with some funny fill-in-the-blanks than you? I will take everyone’s answers into consideration, but funniest answers win! This is only part of the story, if you have some fun and we make it good, maybe we can do the second half next week!
Perched so high above the rest
the lay of the land is within your view.
Many would kill for an insight so rare,
but you need not, being one of the few
who would rather enjoy a gentle slumber
than to go over what you already knew.
© Autumn Siders 2015
Whenever I am meant to ebb
it would seem as though I flow.
My retreat from the shore
helps me achieve the final blow.
The calm waters below
accentuate the ever rising wave
that creates turmoil on the surface
and deep down, reveals the brave.
I fight the waters in order to save
all that I know and who I am
but the higher the water rises,
the less it seems I give a damn.
And the waves, upon my head slam
and I close my eyes and drift
until a light on the ocean I spot
and with you, my spirits lift.
© Autumn Siders 2015
One time I sat a spell.
Four minutes and thirty-three.
I heard the sounds of life;
whatever they must be.
The music of the universe
filled my ears and heart.
It turns out what charms my soul
has been you from the start.
© Autumn Siders 2015
I can’t really pinpoint a specific time when I decided that Christmas meant nothing to me, but I know that it probably started after I got a Playstation 2 from “Santa.” I never truly believed in this jolly old man who lived in the coolest place on the planet, but someone had to play along for my older brother who obviously still lives a fantasy as his real life.
The thing about holidays today is that they signify nothing of importance. To many they signify vacation time, whether it be from school or work. Christmas is most often thought of as being a time to give gifts and spread the Christmas Spirit. It seems more and more to me like the Christmas Spirit is an infectious disease that has an incubation period of about a month and then the shit hits the fan. Once the season is over we can go back to not giving a fuck about we treat other people.
Now, I hear those religious arguments screaming out as I type. The real meaning of Christmas is to celebrate the birth…stop right there! If we can celebrate someone’s birth whenever we feel like it instead of when this person is actually born, then I am changing my birthday to April 25th. After all, it’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.
So, I think I have officially offended both sides of the argument for Christmas/Holidays. On to the real point of it all. I despise making it a point to celebrate one day out the year as being more special than any other. Each one of us has a finite number of days that we get to remain above the dirt. Why are we not celebrating every day that we get as if it is something special? I don’t need a holiday season to tell me that it is good to give those who are hungry any spare food I might have. I don’t need religion to tell me that I should be compassionate and helpful to other human beings. I don’t need to deck the halls or light up the tree to see all the beauty and light I have in my life. And most important of all, I really don’t need to hear Christmas carols ever again in my life.
Merry Life to all. And, Jesus, I’ll send you a card in March.
A friend of mine recently started a blog and I think she thinks she is funny or something. Her hand-crafted personal tales will be sure to make you laugh, so check her out. Here is my own hand-crafted holiday tale meant to seem as if it is an homage to her work, but really it is my attempt to upstage her… Seriously though, check her out.
So this one time when I was with the L.A.P.D, we were tracking down this ex-military general who was bringing drugs into the states. I was feeling a little down at the time because I was a widow and it was Christmas and well there was a nasty drug dealer pushing smack in my town.
Anyway, I partnered up with this old cop and together we brought this whole ring of drug dealers down. Unfortunately, in the process we destroyed his house and half of LA. But it was Christmas, so people were pretty generous about the whole thing.
Just when we thought it was all over though, I was working my extra job at the train station when this guy I was in love with but had never really talked to got mugged and fell into the tracks. Well, being the good person that I am, I jumped into the tracks to save him. Unfortunately, he lost his memory and there was all this confusion about us getting married and he forgot to tell me about his pet mogwai.
So, I rushed over to his house to feed him, but it was after midnight. Well that was a mistake. Next thing I know, there are all these terrible monsters terrorizing the town. To top it all off, someone left a baby on my doorstep. Once again, I am a nice person, I couldn’t just leave this poor baby to freeze in the frigid LA winter. So, I took the baby in but then people started to think it was mine and that the father was the son the owner of the department store that I worked at for some extra cash. The holiday season is hard. Well by the end of it all, I just pretended that I couldn’t speak English and I waited for Batman to save us from the Penguin.
With every twang of the steel guitar
I see your toes tapping along.
In all those old familiar places,
I hear your hum above the throng.
With every impromptu dance party
I still see the kitchen, and hear our song.
Every bass beat that moves within my chest
reminds me how my heart still goes strong.
Your voice filling the car with one sweet note
reminds me that not everything was wrong.
These simple melodies bring me to the people
and to the places where I belong.
© Autumn Siders 2015
Fully formed futures
float within my eyes
as I try harder to see
beyond your disguise.
What misinformed visions
that can never be;
it matters not what I feel
but what I actually see.
© Autumn Siders 2015