#tbt A Christmas Special

A friend of mine recently started a blog and I think she thinks she is funny or something. Her hand-crafted personal tales will be sure to make you laugh, so check her out. Here is my own hand-crafted holiday tale meant to seem as if it is an homage to her work, but really it is my attempt to upstage her… Seriously though, check her out.

So this one time when I was with the L.A.P.D, we were tracking down this ex-military general who was bringing drugs into the states. I was feeling a little down at the time because I was a widow and it was Christmas and well there was a nasty drug dealer pushing smack in my town.

Anyway, I partnered up with this old cop and together we brought this whole ring of drug dealers down. Unfortunately, in the process we destroyed his house and half of LA. But it was Christmas, so people were pretty generous about the whole thing.

Just when we thought it was all over though, I was working my extra job at the train station when this guy I was in love with but had never really talked to got mugged and fell into the tracks. Well, being the good person that I am, I jumped into the tracks to save him. Unfortunately, he lost his memory and there was all this confusion about us getting married and he forgot to tell me about his pet mogwai.

So, I rushed over to his house to feed him, but it was after midnight. Well that was a mistake. Next thing I know, there are all these terrible monsters terrorizing the town. To top it all off, someone left a baby on my doorstep. Once again, I am a nice person, I couldn’t just leave this poor baby to freeze in the frigid LA winter. So, I took the baby in but then people started to think it was mine and that the father was the son the owner of the department store that I worked at for some extra cash. The holiday season is hard. Well by the end of it all, I just pretended that I couldn’t speak English and I waited for Batman to save us from the Penguin.

#tbt A Christmas Special

A Familiar Melody

With every twang of the steel guitar

I see your toes tapping along.

In all those old familiar places,

I hear your hum above the throng.

With every impromptu dance party

I still see the kitchen, and hear our song.

Every bass beat that moves within my chest

reminds me how my heart still goes strong.

Your voice filling the car with one sweet note

reminds me that not everything was wrong.

These simple melodies bring me to the people

and to the places where I belong.

© Autumn Siders 2015

A Familiar Melody

It’s Just Ebola…

I am looking to set a world record with my cough. I have had a chronic cough for about two months now and it shows no sign of going away. I feel fine, other than the occasional sore throat or chest from the severity of the cough and I have even been checked out by a medical professional who says it is just a result of allergies. She even prescribed me loads of stuff which made it worse, so I really trust her medical opinion. My condition is quite annoying, probably no good for my ribs, and tends to cause the folks around me to inch away slowly. I even had a customer tell me that they were in the store a month ago and heard me coughing so badly that they left since they thought I was contagious. This malady may be ruining my social life, but there is no reason I can’t have some fun with it. Here is a list of responses that will now be used whenever I get those nasty looks from people:

-Hey, can I bum a cigarette? I ran out.

-Man, I have had this cough since I got back from West Africa. Can I have a sip of your water?

-Oh, don’t worry I am fine. I just went to the doctor the other day they gave me a T.B. test and everything. Hey, what’s that circle on my arm?

-This cough? I’ve had it forever…but this rash looks new…

-I have this crazy story…I was at a secret lab the other day and they had this monkey there. He was so cute but I couldn’t stand him being in a cage so I let him out but he may have been in there because he was a little aggressive. He ended up biting me so I ran away and just as I was leaving the building there was this alarm going off and this gate coming down. It was so weird.

It’s Just Ebola…

Irreplaceable

You know that times are tough when you are replaced by a machine. My people are apparently not happy with my work because they have brought in mouse traps. Do you know what this does to a cat? I sit up all night waiting to catch mice. I inform them when I hear one. All my time and effort goes into my job and they have the balls to replace me! I am a cat though, so I will walk away proud with my tail in the air, but let me give you a piece of my mind.

Does a mouse trap bring the mouse and lay it at your feet?

Does a mouse trap act like it is happy to see you when you come home?

Does a mouse trap scratch you and pretend like it was an accident?

Does a mouse trap vomit in your bed?

Does a mouse trap decorate your home and wardrobe in cat hair?

Does a mouse trap keep your seat warm for you when you get up and when you get back?

You think a mouse trap is so great, sleep with it instead of me!

Irreplaceable