It has always annoyed me when you are standing in line at the store and someone feels the need to comment on your purchase. Maybe this is because I try to avoid people altogether when I go to the store, but it feels like such an invasion of privacy even though your items are laid out for everyone to see. Being the smart ass that I am though, I always have an answer ready for every purchase I make. Here are a few of my most recent shopping lists that elicited some colorful comments.

• Large jar of chopped garlic
• 2 big rolls of duct tape

While standing in line, the customer in front of me commented, “that’s a lot of garlic!” I quickly replied, “yeah, how else am I going to duct tape a vampire to the wall?”

• pens
• dress pants
• machete
• NCIS season 5

As the cashier rings in my machete, “anyone can just buy these? No wonder there is so much violence.” Since I was making the purchase in a rough neighborhood, I decided to calm her fears, “oh, I only use the machete on zombies, but you should see what I can do with those pens.”

• 20 gallons of water
• lettuce
• bag of chips

I always buy a lot of water since the tap water at home is undrinkable, but I guess to some this can seem odd as the person behind me in line says, “that’s a lot of water.” How original, I wonder how long it took him to come up with that one. Well, I had to fill him in on my plans with all that water, “just stockpiling since the end is nigh, may the force be with you.” I feel if you then push the cart away frantically, this adds effect.