Greeting Cards from Gilead

What better way to celebrate the upcoming festivities of Mother’s Day than with some greeting card ideas inspired by The Handmaid’s Tale?

Blessed be the fruit! Wait, you shouldn’t be reading… Banana on Google Android 9.0 PreviewTangerine on Google Android 9.0 Preview
Happy Mother’s Day! Now, you’ll never see your child again!
Eye on Google Android 9.0 PreviewUnder His Eye Well you were under his something to end up like that.
For the woman who has everything… Here is another blue dress. Happy Mother’s Day!
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum Felix matrum dies

Greeting Cards for Impeachment

There have been whispers since our current president took office. There was even a meager attempt to bring impeachment upon the commander in chief. Regardless of where you stand politically, it seems that the possibility of impeachment just won’t lay down and die. If that happens, I just don’t think the fragile ego of said president could survive. Here are some ideas for helpful cards to send President Trump should he fall from his self-made pedestal.








Alternative Greeting Cards

Some greeting cards for the “alternative facts” of life.

You are the love of my life…

I believe in reincarnation, so I don’t mean this life. Bye.

My love for you is greater than the crowds at Trump’s inauguration.

Depending on how you look at it, I love you a lot.

Happy 35th Birthday!

Oh, you’re 53? Same thing, that’s a fact!

My deepest sympathies to you in your time of need.

Sorry for your father’s passing. He’s not dead? Well he will be someday.

Merry Christmas!

March 20th only comes once a year. I hope Santa is good to you.

Greeting Cards for Across the Pond

What with the approaching holiday and the recent events overseas, I thought it fitting to create some cards we could send to our former parent across the pond.

It looks as though you finally understand. Happy Independence Day!
We’re sorry! Next time we throw your tea in the harbor, we will make sure to heat it first.
The British are coming! Wait, you’re leaving…
After all these years… We’re still glad we left you.
You will always be like our mother (land) We hope we don’t end up like you, but we love you anyway.

Meowther’s Day Cards

It’s mother’s day. My cat mom deserves no prizes, but here are some cards we could be giving to our human moms.

Happy Mother’s Day! What do I get?
To the Mother who is always there… Leave me alone.
I got you one in every color!  
Thanks for all that you do, Mom! Maybe you could pick up the pace? I am waiting for my water and food over here.
Have I told you lately how I feel about you? Why don’t you come here and meet my claws.


A Spring Trip Down the Greeting Card Aisle

Congratulations on the baby! You look a lot skinnier now.
Happy Earth Day! I bought you some property on Mars for when we finish destroying the planet.
April showers bring May flowers… This is my subtle way of saying you should shower.
Happy Opening Day! Just don’t bring your kids to the clubhouse.
*When daffodils begin to peer… Bring out the Benadryl!
*A Winter’s Tale Act IV Scene II

A Loving Trip Down the Greeting Card Aisle

For those unconventional relationships this Valentine’s Day…

To the mother of my children… My love for you has grown over the years as much as your vagina.
To the man of my dreams… Thanks for being there when my husband isn’t.
You robbed my heart, my love, my soul. I robbed your bank account. Much love.
Save the flowers and the chocolates, You’re going to need the money for your doctor’s bills. Enjoy the syphilis.
Roses are red, violets are blue Here are some flowers, but I am still dumping you.