This Country’s in the Toilet

I have posted before about nasty looks I get using the bathroom just because I wear men’s clothing and have short hair. While this is annoying for me, I can’t imagine what it must be like for a transgendered person what with the recent commotion.

I am glad that this highly important issue of where to pee is being discussed because this is obviously the most important issue that the government needs to address and write legislature for at the moment. Poverty, terrorism, healthcare, and human rights are all issues that can wait. Our county obviously became great when we stopped taking a leak on a tree and started building infrastructures to house the ever holy bathroom. Of course these great structures would not be complete without a “his” and “hers.” And these bathrooms have so many uses too!

Well, call me traditional, but I use public restrooms for a very specific reason…to go to the bathroom. Okay, sometimes you get a bloody nose or need to wash your hands. Maybe you just need to look in the mirror to see if you look smashing enough to ask that pretty girl if you can buy her a drink. But, you don’t ask her out in the bathroom, do you? Have I been doing this wrong all these years? Why is everyone so stressed about who is using what bathroom? I think the people we need to be worrying about are the ones who have a problem with it since they are obviously doing things in the bathroom that they should not be if they know who has which genitals.

Here is a list of all the behavior and items that need to be banned from bathrooms as well as laws that should be enacted, so that we can stop banning people from bathrooms.

-No more urinals in the men’s room. Come on, guys, we all know you take a peek every now and then.

-No more changing tables for babies. This will really put an end to all those perverts who want to get a load of the load in your baby’s diaper.

-Any stall door with a broken lock must be fixed or the entire stall deemed out of order.

-No sex! Nothing screams romance like that ever-wafting fecal odor.

-No shoe tying. While bent over, you could look under the door and find Mrs. Doubtfire!



I am eleven and the sun is setting as I toss my raggedy old tennis ball at the side of the garage. I think.

I think about the roar of the crowd. I think about the smell of the grass. I think about playing baseball with a real baseball and having someone to catch and throw the ball back to me instead of using the side of a beat up garage. I think how great it would be to play for the Atlanta Braves. I think about all the reasons that I will forever be tomboy. I think of all the stereotypes there are for dykes. I think how much I hate stereotypes. I think of how I want nothing more than to be different. I think, how terrible it is to fit in and fill the shoes that have been set out for you by someone else. I think it’s better to be a straight tomboy than a gay stereotype. And then I think, damn, Michelle Rodríguez is hot.

I am eleven and the sun is setting as my raggedy old tennis ball bounces back into my crumbling black baseball glove. I think, and this is the problem.